Fantasy 2: A woman has to support the morality of the status quo to have value.
Based on this fantasy, a woman has value to the extent she uses her power to prop up a man’s ego. It falls on her to maintain the “social order” of male and female. This myth claims women are so powerful they can make or break a man’s masculinity. A woman brings value when she maintains the social order, defers to men, hide her strengths, does not take credit, always act less or smaller than him. She also teaches these “moral” values to children and younger women, and takes action to keep other women in check. She believes the fantasy that a man only feels manly to the extent the woman hides her voice, strengths, needs, wants and dreams. And a valuable woman surrenders her power to prove she’s not a threat. The only thing she wants is what her man, or men in general, want.
This belief is really crazy-making. On the one hand men are superior to women in strength and power and intelligence, but on the other hand, a woman is so strong that she can endure anything, have no feelings of her own about it, and even give men credit for her contributions.
Fantasy 3: A woman has to sacrifice herself to prove her worth by taming the beast with her unconditional love.
Based on this fantasy, men are biologically brutal beasts, and to the extent a woman’s love is real, she sacrifices herself, and at some point, this will tame the beast in a man. Once it does, he will miraculously appreciate her, become her prince, but first she has to prove her worth and love are good enough to ultimately tame the beast. Once she does, she deserves the love of a man she sacrificed herself to win him over, by silently enduring, ignoring, and forgiving the way he mistreats her in the meantime. She has to prove her love and devotion are unconditional, that is, regardless how much he intimidates, demeans, abuses her; and that treat the double standard as “normal” by never bringing it up or complaining about it.
By doing so, she proves she will never make demands or causes him stress. Proving she is low maintenance will cause him one day — “magically”– to appreciate and love and and be nice to her.
Women responsible for making a man feel loved, secure, happy, no matter what the costs to her. If he’s a beast, well “boys will be boys”; she must see this as her failure, never his, her deficiency or inadequacy, never his. . , it does not reflect on his failure to be thoughtful and humane, rather on her failure to make him feel loved and secure. A worthy woman, regardless what he does, forgives and makes excuses for her man, to make sure he never feels bad about anything he does, as it is her job to prop up his ego and help him heal his insecurities by giving him whatever he says he needs to feel loved and secure.
Truth about this fantasy!? This lie turns a woman in an enabling drug for an NPD or worse, APD. The more she gives into him out of fear when he acts like a beast, the more likely the acts of domestic violence will worsen. Unwittingly, this contributes to his emotionally arrested state of development. It puts her at risk of engaging in cycles of abuse with greater intensity and frequency.