I’m Not Leaving Because I Don’t Love You, It’s Because I Do

“Go ahead, leave like you always do! That’s the only thing you’re good at!”

Your words are still piercing through my mind. Chasing me, echoing between the walls of my bruised soul and deepening the cuts in my heart. It’s easier to blame someone else; it always is. But this time, we’re both to blame. This time we’re the only ones who destroyed what we had. I guess that’s the only thing we ever did together.

I’m not leaving because I don’t love you. I’m leaving because I do and you know damn well that it’ll destroy me. I wanted to believe that it won’t. I wanted to believe that we can make it, that maybe this time you’ll be different and I’ll be the one who changed you. That maybe my love will be strong enough, so it’ll show you the way.

But the pain is too real to believe it any more. The wounds are still too fresh for me to ignore.

“You’re only thinking about yourself, like you always did. Classic you.”

I kind of expected this. It’s easier to say that I’m the selfish one than to admit that your actions are the reason I left. It’s easier to say that my inconsistent heart is the reason we broke up and not your neediness. I wanted to be the one to hold you in one piece, but how am I supposed to do it if you’re the one tearing me apart? I wanted to be the one to have your back, but you kept sweeping the floor under my feet.

You are annihilation in good-looking package. Your brokenness made you incapable of love and my heart made me into your savior. But trying to fix you only broke me more. Trying to save you only destroyed me. You can call me selfish, you can call me crazy bitch, you can call me whatever you’d like, but I needed to save myself. I needed to run for my life because I can’t keep on dying for you. Love is not supposed to be my death. It’s supposed to be a new chance for me. For happiness. But with you, it never was. With you, it was a highway to hell.

“You didn’t even try to fight for us. You didn’t even try to fight for me.”

As much as it hurts me to hear that, it angers me even more. Are you really that blind that you couldn’t see me going through hell for you? That you couldn’t notice that I’m lying wide awake next to you, trying to think of a solution for us. That you couldn’t see me hurting because no matter how hard I fought, I kept on failing. I kept on losing the battle for you. And the worst part? It was you I was fighting against.

There were no other women in our story, no other men. It was us who started it and it was us who ended it. Your past was too dark for me to lighten up and I was drowning in your darkness. Your pain was too strong for me to take away because you held it so tightly. You were so afraid to let go of it, same like I was afraid of letting go of you. But I couldn’t anymore. I can’t keep on fighting these goddamn windmills. I can’t keep on fighting you to save you.

“Don’t come back running to me once you realize what you’ve lost!”

I wish that I could say that I want to. I wish that I could say that being alone is so painful that I can’t breathe. I wish that I could say that going back with you is the only thing I’m thinking about. But it’s not. I love you, you know I do. But I’m loving my new life so much more. I’m loving that I’m shining brighter than ever. I’m loving that I can finally breathe in. And I’m loving that I get to sleep now.

I’m thinking about you still. This is the proof that I am. And I miss you, but not as much as I missed myself when I was with you. I was so lost in the vortex of your past, of your demons and your pain. And now that I’ve finally found myself, I can’t even imagine going back to you at all. Maybe in some different timeline, maybe in another lifetime, in other universe. Or maybe never.

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