It Was My Fault I Expected So Much From You

Before I met you, I’d been through many disappointments. I had my heart broken and I was hurt in more than one way. But even the humiliation and the emotional pain I’d been through in the past hadn’t killed my desire to live and most importantly, they hadn’t destroyed my faith in love.

Even when I thought I’d hit rock bottom, my hope was the one thing that kept me alive. Even when I suffered the most, I believed that there existed a man who would complete my life and who would make me happy. I believed that I would meet the right guy sooner or later and he would make all the pain I’d been through go away. I believed that this guy would make all my tears and doubts in myself go away. I believed he would chase away my insecurities and that he would make me feel enough. I had faith that he would heal my broken heart and that he would be everything I’d always wanted.

Don’t get me wrong—I didn’t expect this man to be perfect. I didn’t expect him not to have flaws and I didn’t expect him not to be a human being. Because I was also far from perfect. But what I hoped for was that the two of us would be perfect for each other. I also didn’t expect for our relationship to be flawless. But what I hoped for was that our love would be stronger and more powerful than all the obstacles which could come our way.

When I met you, I was convinced that you were the guy I had been dreaming about all along. I thought you were the love of my life, my soulmate and my forever person. You had everything I wanted my man to have and you were exactly like I had pictured you in my head. I couldn’t believe that all of my dreams were finally coming true and I kept thanking God that you had come into my life.

You were a loving and caring guy who understood me like no one else. From day one, you showed interest in me and in my personality. You showed me that you really loved me, that you cared about me and my needs and you acted like there was nothing that and nobody who could make you leave me. You behaved as if I was the most important person in the world to you and that there was nothing you wouldn’t do for me.

I believed you were this perfect man you pretended to be and I had faith that you would make all my dreams come true. I saw you as the man I wanted to spend my life with and I was sure you had the same plans. I was convinced I could trust you no matter what and that I always had your unconditional support. I really believed in you and in everything you were telling me.

And then, out of the blue, you drastically changed and there was no sign of the man I fell in love with. You became cold, you started neglecting me and you started behaving like I was the last person on your priority list. Suddenly, it was like all of the love you felt for me was gone. At first, I was in shock and in denial. I thought you were going through a phase and that you would soon go back to your old ways. But time was passing by and that wasn’t happening. And I had to accept that it wouldn’t happen.

And that was when I decided to think some things through. I realized that you were probably never the man of my dreams. I realized that I only wanted to believe that you were my Mr. Perfect and therefore I refused to see your true self. I only saw the things that suited me and the things I liked about you.

I expected you to save me and I thought everything bad I had experienced in my life would go away if I held on to you. I saw you as the light at the end of my tunnel and as someone who would fix me and heal me completely.

But none of it was actually possible. And it’s not your fault.

It was my fault for having such high expectations of you and of any other man in my life.

And yes, you did cause me pain. But you also taught me one of the most valuable lessons in life—I am the only one who needs to heal herself and the only one who needs to complete her life.

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