There are many horrors in the world in which we live. Never in my wildest dreams did I think you would be classified as such. You see, the trauma you caused has impacted my life in many ways. The shadow you cast has caused some strange and painful illness that is silently killing me. This illness cannot be cured with medicine but only through silent tears.
Intellectually, I understand I dodged the big bullet. However, fragments actually hit me right in the heart. I feel like a part of me died and my mind is having trouble overriding this autopilot phase of survival.
The notion that I should be thankful this relationship ended before marriage and children is bullshit. Yes, it has been a life lesson. Yes, I am thankful that I did not marry this man, did not bring innocent children into a one-sided relationship. However, the trauma that has been caused by being with a toxic, manipulative narcissist looms above my head every day. I feel emotionally, mentally and even spiritually disemboweled. It is far more than simple heartbreak. Somewhere in that relationship I lost myself. I lost myself to someone who didn’t give two shits about me. Now, I’m dealing with the pain of a relationship gone bad and trying to discover myself all over again. This is more than just a simple heartbreak. It’s much worse. It’s a disease you try to cure but somehow always comes back to haunt you. It’s a scar that no cosmetic placed over your heart can cover. The damages are there, just below the surface barely visible, but there.